Quentin Tarantino's RANMA 1/2 A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne (All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my own strangely glowing suitcase to live.) -=- Author's foreword. There are times when a man must really kick himself in the ass for doing something completely stupid, and this is one of those times. For all intents and purposes, this SCREAMS out to be titled PULP FANFICTION. Being the non-forward thinker I am, I already named a story that, which had considerably less to do with QT's neat little piece of work than this beast does. So, what do I call this thing? Pulp Fanfiction II? Son of Pulp Fanfiction? Pulp Fanfiction95? Yuck. So, I had to settle for a rip on SNL's joke sketch title, 'Quentin Tarantino's WELCOME BACK KOTTER'. Close enough, I suppose. I've inserted some QTisms such as meaningfully philosophical dialogue and maybe a curse word or two, but cut out, well, most of the death and found truly silly workarounds for them. Your guess is as good as mine about how we get around a guy with no head in really bloody car; guess you'll have to read to find out. Commentary is always appreciated at the usual addy, twoflowr@glue.umd.edu. And check out DahlingMUCK while you're at it, ..., where I play one of the characters from this story :) & [Scene : Early morning, in the Nekohanten cafe. Two patrons, one a suave, well-polished young man and the other a kawaii, perhaps overly teenaged girl whose eyes seem to reflect every light in the room, are talking.] MIKADO : You know, Azusa, life just hasn't been the same since that incident with that Saotome boy. AZUSA : [playing with her empty coffee cup, which she has named Josephine] Hmm? MIKADO : I mean, we're getting less challenges. Before, sure, we were the undefeated rulers of the ice, but that one lousy defeat and our reputation's been shot... why, some of my female fans have even started taking a liking to Saotome! Not many, of course, I mean, I still have legions, but... AZUSA : Those strange boys who follow me around and say weird things like wanting to marry me haven't bugged me much lately, which makes kawaii widdle Azusa-chan happy, but I wonder what they're doing! MIKADO : [grumbles] Probably they're after my beloved pig- tailed girl. Ahh, her beauty shines through my memory like a Mag-light through the fog... AZUSA : You have a flashlight? Azusa-chan wants it! Gimmie! MIKADO : No, you ditz, I don't! [Mikado pulls away from Azusa's outstretched, grasping arms] It was a metaphor! [sighs] We need to start to work on our reputations again. Find some martial artists locally and defeat them. Then maybe my fan club will be back to having a three year waiting list to join... AZUSA : Ano, where are we going to find martial artists? MIKADO : We could go straight to their school and issue a challenge... but we want to start small, not get flooded. I heard that every male in that place was willing to fight each day for some girl awhile back. That's out. AZUSA : Let's go advertise in the paper! Kawaii Azusa-chan loves the comics! Hee hee! MIKADO : Bleah. Takes too long. And it looks like we're begging. We need to find martial artists on a short- term time scale, and a personal basis, to request permission of combat in a familiar surrounding. AZUSA : [blinkies] Ano... what do those big words mean? MIKADO : [buries his face in his hands] I MEAN, just find one and fight them! AZUSA : Ano, where are we going to find martial artists? MIKADO : [frustrated] Nerima's crawling with them! It's not like Kolkhoz, where the best we can manage are some skaters who have seen a Karate Kid film dubbed. I bet there are a few... well... right here in this restaurant. Hmm. AZUSA : Wow, you're so smart, San-chan! I didn't know martial artists hung out in restaurants! MIKADO : They've got to eat SOMETIMES, just like we are. Although this breakfast okonomiyaki isn't cutting it for me. I bet if we issued a challenge RIGHT NOW, we could be on the road to victory! AZUSA : Waiwai! Right NOW, San-chan? MIKADO : I'm game. I do my fightin' after breakfast. AZUSA : Hee hee! Gambatta ne, San-chan! MIKADO : Gambatta ne, Azusa-chan. [hops up onto his seat] Alright, everybody be cool, this is a challenge! AZUSA : Any martial artists in here try to make a break for it without facing us, and I'll get really unhappy!!! [Credits sequence, wild chinese music] QUENTIN TARANTINO in association with SHONEN SUNDAY present QUENTIN TARANTINO'S RANMA 1/2 [Fade into a scene of RYOUGA HIBIKI and MOUSSE walking along a Neriman street. They are deep into a conversation.] MOUSSE : ...so tell me again about the movies. RYOUGA : Okay. They have this rating system, where things go from G, to PG, to PG-13 meaning you gotta be 13 or something, to R, to NC-17 meaning you gotta be 17 or something. MOUSSE : So... if you're between 13 and 17 years, you can only see R-films? RYOUGA : Basically. Which is good, because all the good combat movies are R. They're really big into action movies in Washington. Although I went into this one really big theater, and all they were showing was this sort of underwater film. I was waiting for the frogmen to break out knives, but they never did. MOUSSE : Why'd you go there, then? RYOUGA : Well, it WAS playing on a five story high screen. And I heard some guy named 'Sting' made some aspect of the movie, and that sounded like an action hero name. MOUSSE : YOW! Think what an anime would look like that big! RYOUGA : Pretty good, I can tell you. Hey, you know what they call Usagi on American television? MOUSSE : No, what? RYOUGA : 'Serena'. MOUSSE : UGH. No rabbit joke? What's the point? RYOUGA : Mousse, they speak English there. They wouldn't know what the hell a 'Usagi' was. MOUSSE : But you saw Dragonball, right? RYOUGA : Yeah. It seemed pretty much on the money. The names hadn't changed. MOUSSE : So what's the dub of Bubblegum Crisis like? RYOUGA : I don't know, I didn't get any videos. I was only... ah, passing through the city for a few days. On my way here. MOUSSE : Uh-huh. We believe you. Hey, did you see a film while you were there, called 'The Lost Boys'? RYOUGA : Hey, I do NOT get lost! MOUSSE : That's not what Nabiki told me. RYOUGA : Eh? Happousai's new assistant? MOUSSE : The same. Hey, did you hear? Supposedly, Happousai threw Soun Tendo out of a second story window. Soun's been out of it for a day and a half, babbling incoherently about flying for very short periods of time. RYOUGA : You're kidding me! Why? MOUSSE : He grounded Nabiki. [Ryouga pauses.] RYOUGA : Wait a minute. A grounding? Happy tossed Tendo-san out a window for that? MOUSSE : Hey, you mess up the man's assistant's timetable, you pay the price. RYOUGA : Pretty steep price tag. A simple scolding would've done. Happy knows how to do those to perfection. MOUSSE : Play with fire, you get burned. RYOUGA : It was just a GROUNDING. There wasn't a fire. There wasn't even a scout rubbing two sticks together. That ain't right at all. I can see grounding Nabiki, anyway, she has been doing some shady things for Happy. MOUSSE : Oh? You'd ground Nabiki? RYOUGA : Well, if I was her father, yeah. I'd ground any child of mine who was doing those things. MOUSSE : [looms over Ryouga, hands going into his sleeves for weapons] And would you ground me, too? RYOUGA : [pauses. Resumes walking] Urusai. MOUSSE : [laughs] Hey, I've been a naughty boy... RYOUGA : URUSAI! Can it! MOUSSE : Downright menace to society... RYOUGA : [pauses in his walk] Don't pull this on me, Mousse. It's starting to irk. Is this the place? MOUSSE : [looks up at the suburban house] Yep. RYOUGA : How many are up there? MOUSSE : I dunno, the guy doesn't have many friends. Three, four, tops. RYOUGA : Three or four? Jeez. We ought to have swords or something. Come on, let's get in character. [Cut to them standing outside the door] MOUSSE : His mom was nice enough to let us in. I don't think she had a clue why we were here. What time is it? RYOUGA : Six AM. MOUSSE : Well, we can wait a few minutes. Let's hang back a bit. RYOUGA : By the way, did I mention that Happousai asked me to take care of Nabiki while he was out on tonight's panty raid? MOUSSE : [blinks] Take care, as in...? RYOUGA : No, you baka! He means take care of as in give her a night on the town. She's been working hard, balancing his books and all, and deserves a little reward. MOUSSE : Why you? I thought Kunou was her main squeeze. RYOUGA : Ehhh, Mariko snagged Kunou for a date with some arcane chinese mystical object. You know how it is. MOUSSE : [laughs] Do tell. But hey, that's the boss's assistant. We may just be occasional goons for rent to him, but she works full time... if you mess with her-- RYOUGA : Urusai! I would do no such thing! Akane-san means the world to me. So, I'll take her sister to some non- threatening place, suffer through a night of economics lessons, and leave. End of story. MOUSSE : Whatever. Just remember what he did to Soun. Think it's time? RYOUGA : About. Make sure you've got your glasses down, I don't want you talking to statues again. MOUSSE : I do NOT talk to statues. RYOUGA : [looks at Mousse, who isn't facing him] I stand corrected. You talk to potted plants. MOUSSE : Can we just get this over with, please? I gotta open Nekohanten soon. [Ryouga nods, and knocks.] [HIROSHI opens the door slowly. Mousse enters first, followed by Ryouga. The other boy in the room, HIKARU GOSUNKUGI, the 'ring leader' of this weak ring, goes pale. Paler.] MOUSSE : Hello! Are we interrupting anything? GOSUN. : Uh... no... just... breakfast? MOUSSE : Ah! First meal of the day. Good way to take care of your health! Always eat right. What're you having? GOSUN. : C-Cold okonomiyaki, sir. MOUSSE : Wow! Hey, Ryouga, he's got okonomiyaki! Mind if I have some, Gos? [Gos shrugs, as if to say, 'eat up and please don't hurt me.' Ryouga wanders around the room, looking for something, while Mousse takes a bite.] MOUSSE : Boy, that IS tasty. For Japanese food. You just can't beat Chinese, though. Remember, always eat at Nekohanten. Best food in the market. Got that? GOSUN. : Y-Yes, sir!! [Hiroshi perks up, mistaking this for a friendly atmosphere.] HIRO. : The waitress is pretty kawaii, too! [Mousse, in a blinding flash, knocks Hiroshi senseless.] MOUSSE : BAKA! Don't say that about my Shampoo! [pauses] He's got a point. She's the kindest, most beautiful, lovely creature in the... [Ryouga clears his throat. Mousse stops, and resumes intimidation.] MOUSSE : You do realize why we're here, right? You have a certain item that belongs to a certain someone who's paying us quite nicely to get it back for him. GOSUN. : It's under the-- MOUSSE : [leaning forward, raising voice] I DON'T recall asking you where it was yet! Let's stay on the immediate topic and not jump ahead, comprendo!? NOW. Where is it? GOSUN. : [freaked] Under the bed!! [Ryouga nods, and pulls a bundle out from under the bed. He unwraps it, and a brief glimmering reflection is seen in his eyes.] MOUSSE : Is that it, Ryouga? RYOUGA : [pauses to stare longer, gaping, and closes it up] Yeah. It's it. MOUSSE : Good. Now, Gosunkugi, maybe you'll think twice before ripping off your good friend Happousai again. You DO remember Happousai, right? GOSUN. : N-Nani? MOUSSE : You know, HAPPY. Describe Happy to me so I know you remember! GOSUN. : Nani?! MOUSSE : [pulls a wicked looking multibladed weapon out of his sleeve] Say 'Nani?' one more time. I DARE you, man. Now. What does Happousai LOOK like?!! GOSUN. : He's... he's short... MOUSSE : And? GOSUN. : He's bald! MOUSSE : Does he look like a... a... watermelon? GOSUN. : Nani?!!? [Mousse whips out a mechanical duck toy, which repeatedly bapbapbaps Gosunkugi's head around. He tosses it aside to confront the now completely scared Hikaru Gosunkugi. Ryouga just looks confused, but recognizes his cue and stands next to Mousse.] MOUSSE : [readies a club weapon] Have you ever read 'The Book of Chinese Amazon Law', Hikaru? It's a great read, if you know the language. Let me translate a quick passage for you, Conditioner 25:17... "The path of the strong Amazon is blocked on all sides by those weaker, hoping to destroy your virtue, spirit and body. Blessed is the Amazon that can overcome these adversaries for others who cannot, and we shall strike down with no mercy upon those who would attack those who cannot attack back... and you will KNOW we are Amazons, when we lay our vengeance upon thee..." GOSUN. : AAAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHH!!! [Ryouga and Mousse pounce, swinging umbrellas and potty training devices, and Gosunkugi assumes Little Takahashi Devil Pose #35.] RYOUGA : [looking quizzically at Mousse] A watermelon? MOUSSE : Sorry. I ran out of one-liners. * [TITLE CARD : Ryouga Hibiki & the Master's Assistant] [Shot : RANMA SAOTOME, local combat veteran. An offscreen voice, whiny and old, is speaking.] HAPPO. : Now, let's be honest, Ranma m'boy. Martial arts is a fine career for a young lad. But you, you're getting older every day... heck, eventually you'll end as old as me. And after awhile those skills only go so far. You need to save yourself up! Keep you strength for when you really need it, not for when you want to show off. So, I think you'll find that this'll work out in the end of everybody involved. Besides, how else are you going to get the money for Akane-chan's birthday present? Ha ha ha! [Ranma grits his teeth to the point of needing dentures. He's clearly unhappy with this whole situation. A tiny hand passes him a thick wad of yen.] HAPPO. : Remember, boy. Two minutes into the challenge fight with Kunou, you go down. Use any reason you want. Repeat it : Two minutes in, you go down. RANMA : [gritting] Two minutes in, you go down. HAPPO. : No, YOU. I. I mean you meaning I. Don't get smart with me, boy. RANMA : You know what I mean, Jiji. Can I go now? HAPPO. : Go spread joy, Ranma. See you after the fight. [In the background, Ryouga and Mousse enter, wearing highly androgynous (but leaning towards female) clothes. Ryouga is grumbling and adjusting his tights.] [Ranma walks out, and glares nastily at Ryouga, pausing.] RANMA : Nice outfit, P-Chan. RYOUGA : Who you callin' P-Chan?! HAPPO. : Is that the voice of my good friend Ryouga-kun? RYOUGA! Get over here and give your poor old occasionally-sensei a hug! [Ranma grumbles, realizing this is a bad time to trounce Ryouga properly, and exits.] [Scene cut to the Tendo family room, late at night. Ryouga has arrived after a few hours of wandering around Tokyo trying to find the room he was right next to. He's carrying a few flowers, wilted horribly from the lengthy trip, figuring it was just the sort of thing you needed for dates, even pretend ones.] NABIKI : [calls from upstairs] Ryouga, that you? RYOUGA : Uh, yeah! Umm. Um. Is Akane-san up there? RYOUGA (Voiceover) : She can't catch me dating her sister! It'd be a disaster! NABIKI : No, everybody's gone for the evening. I'll be down in a minute, I need to change. [Ryouga nods mostly to himself, and shuffles around the living room nervously. Clearly he's only doing this to appease the old man, and needs to relax a little. Fortunately, he has one escape route if Akane happens to spot him...] [\begin{flashback}] HAPPO. : I'm glad you voiced your concerns, Ryouga-kun. As usual, your benefactor Happy is only Happy to provide. RYOUGA : Thank you, sensei. If she caught me, I wouldn't know what to say... HAPPO. : Well, with this, you won't have to say anything. [hands a flask of chinese design to Ryouga] It's a speed potion, m'boy. You can outrun any dangers or undesired gazes with it. Of course, it would upset Nabiki-chan a great deal if you were to run out on this little evening I've so carefully arranged for her. So consider it a last resort panic option only. Got it? [\end{flashback}] [Upstairs, we see NABIKI TENDO changing. Well, no, we see a low camera angle and a shadow or three... eventually she clicks on the light, out of frame, and a hand reaches in frame to pick up the can of Jolt she's been drinking from. She sets it down, a resonant TING of aluminum on table indicating it's empty.] NABIKI : Ahhh. Okay, Ryouga-kun, all set... [Cut back to Ryouga, looking up the stairs, at Nabiki sauntering down them wearing something similar to her outfit in Movie #2, only a bit more modest. Any added modesty has little effect on Ryouga, whose ability to talk around women rivals most hermits'.] RYOUGA : Ahhh... um... er... NABIKI : Sorry to put you through this, but I've been working for awhile on this tax audit rebuttal for Happy, and NEED a good night out. You understand, right? RYOUGA : Uhhh... NABIKI : Anyway, I figure a little dinner, a little dancing, maybe a quick... guided stroll through the park, and we go home. Just a whiff of night air to calm the nerves. Right? RYOUGA : ... NABIKI : [sighs] Just smile and nod your head, Ryouga. [Ryouga smiles and nods his head.] [Nabiki leads him through Tokyo, eventually coming to a rest at MADOKA'S ABCB ANIME CAFE. She leads him inside, past posters advertising AKIRA, GUNNM, BUBBGLEGUM CRISIS, VAMPIRE HUNTER MIYU and AA! MEGAMI-SAMA. There's a large stage, where a crew of Goddess Family Club impersonators is singing a song about Banpei- kun. Eventually they sit in a fake version of the Mach-5 and a waitress dressed up like A-KO approaches them.] A-KO : Konbawa. Welcome to Madoka's. What'll it be? [Ryouga has calmed down a lot by this point, managing to do it by not straying his eyes below Nabiki's neckline. Therefore, he is able to control his vocal cords and order.] RYOUGA : Oh, I'll just have some Godai-style Instant Gourmet Ramen. A-KO : With extra MSG or too much salt? RYOUGA : Too much salt, please. NABIKI : I'll have some ramen too, and a Jolt. [A-Ko nods, and wanders off.] NABIKI : Posh place. I can't recognize half the characters in here. Why are there two Rallys? RYOUGA : Oh, one's from Riding Bean, the other's from Gun Smith Cats. You can tell by the hair color. NABIKI : How'd you hear about this place? RYOUGA : I was, um, wandering through the neighborhood and a few otaku bought me some food when I did my Jinnai impersonation. [Nabiki nods, and waits for a reply from Ryouga. Ryouga waits for a reply from Nabiki. They end up waiting awhile. Nabiki breaks the silence.] NABIKI : So, I hear you were recently in America. RYOUGA : Passing through, really. NABIKI : So, what's it like? Did you get to see Wall Street? RYOUGA : Uh, no. I didn't get into many theaters. NABIKI : Not the movie, I mean the place... RYOUGA : Oh. No, not really. Then again, all those streets looked basically alike. It was kind of like Tokyo. Only dirtier. And with more street crime. And a bit smellier. NABIKI : In other words, it wasn't like Tokyo at all. RYOUGA : Uh-huh. [Silence ensues again. Ryouga twiddles his fingers, looking away. Nabiki just rolls her eyes, and sighs.] NABIKI : I hate that. RYOUGA : Um, nani? NABIKI : Uncomfortable silences. It's been too quiet these last few nights, I need some interactive-type noise other than computer keys clicking. Say something. RYOUGA : Something? NABIKI : Good. Say something else now. RYOUGA : Well, what do you mean, interactive-type noise? NABIKI : [sighs] I've been up for 89 hours working on Happousai's tax returns. It's grueling, solitary work. I've been basically living off caffeine. RYOUGA : [gapes] That's awful! NABIKI : Yeah, well, you get used to it. I'm fine. Daddy insists I need my rest, though. RYOUGA : Oh! So it's true that he grounded you? NABIKI : [pauses] What? RYOUGA : Well, um... [falters] NABIKI : No, really, what? RYOUGA : It's... just a rumor I heard. That he grounded you and Happousai got mad, and tossed him out the window. NABIKI : [contemplates this] Who told you that? RYOUGA : Oh, I just sort of heard it... NABIKI : To tell the truth, I have no idea why Happy threw Otousan out the window. The old letch is just funny that way, I guess. I'm just glad he's paying me for this. Hmm. I gotta go freshen up. Keep my seat, alright? [Ryouga nods, and Nabiki heads off to the ladies room. She sneaks into a stall, and slips a flask of Jolt out of her purse... she takes a long sip, and starts to stop, but figures 'what the hell' and chugs the rest of it. The dark circles under her eyes seem to vanish.] NABIKI : WHOOOOO!!! [blinks, realizing she just yelled] [Nabiki regains her composure, and wanders out to find her ramen ready.] NABIKI : Great! I LOVE having my food ready when I return from the bathroom. [She notices Ryouga is picking at his food halfheartedly] NABIKI : [sighs] You're not very comfortable, are you? RYOUGA : What? No! No! I'm having a great time! Honest! NABIKI : Ryouga-kun... it's okay. I shouldn't have demanded that Happy provide me an escort... I was just mad at Kunou-chan, that's all... sorry to get you all uptight... RYOUGA : No, no. Nabiki-san, don't worry, I'll be fine. I mean, good ramen, good conversation, good... well, a very animated atmosphere... this is great stuff for a loner like me! Beats hunting and foraging in the forest. [Nabiki smiles slightly, glad to hear this. Also glad to see Ryouga calming down a bit.] NABIKI : Great. Well, let's enjoy this overly priced ramen, then, and make the most of the evening. [The lights dim, and an KASUGA KYOSUKE-lookalike takes the main stage, a spotlight hitting him.] KYOSUKE : Thank you, thank you! The staff of Madoka's ABCB Anime Cafe welcome you to our Karaoke Contest Night. Where the elite meet to sing the finest in anime music... RYOUGA : Ugh, karaoke. Nothing like listening to businessmen wail out the tones of old Maison Ikkoku songs. NABIKI : [smiling] I want to sing. C'mon, let's do a duet. RYOUGA : N... NANI? Sing? Me? I can't sing! NABIKI : Well, have you ever tried? RYOUGA : Umm, no... NABIKI : Well, I want to sing a duet. It'll be fun. [Nabiki half drags Ryouga on stage...] [Fade to black. Time passes.] [Ryouga and Nabiki stumble back into the Tendo Dojo, laughing all the way. Ryouga is striking cheesy poses and wailing the lyrics to 'My Boyfriend's a Pilot'... Nabiki, a bit more erratic than him, is clapping along and cheering.] RYOUGA : I swear, that was the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. NABIKI : Yeah. Fun, though! [Ryouga does a little spin, and grabs Nabiki, dipping her low in a dramatic finale.] [Whatever illusions of goodhearted silliness there were are ripped away by this rather awkward moment.] NABIKI : Um. RYOUGA : [resisting the urge to blush, helps Nabiki back to her feet] I'll just, um... use the bathroom. [Nabiki nods. Ryouga leaves his backpack on the floor, and heads off in search of the john. Nabiki realizes she'll be waiting awhile, and pokes around the dojo for something to do.] [While Ryouga tests doors, looking for a head, Nabiki comes closer to the camera; we can see the dark circles under her eyes again, and how her body is shaking slightly from fatigue. She wanders, dazed, into the kitchen and fetches another Jolt, slamming it back.] [Ryouga ends up in a closet by accident.] [Nabiki notices something has fallen out of Ryouga's backpack. She moves to put it back, but notices the funny chinese writing... and distinct thunderbolt insignia. Her hyperactive mind sees the word 'Jolt' somehow.] NABIKI : Alright, Ryouga-chan! Good stuff! [She pops the top and drinks it back.] [Ryouga finds the laundry room.] [Nabiki smiles, as the caffeine revitalizes her. But something's wrong. That soda is giving a little bit TOO much kick. She twitches, and her arm vibrates; she drops the can, and clutches a chair for support...] [Ryouga discovers the attic.] [Time passes. Ryouga, having taken about twenty minutes to locate the bathroom, returns to the living room.] RYOUGA : You really need to reorganize this house, Nabiki. It's so huge and complex! I mean... [Ryouga notices Nabiki's eyelids are open, as is her mouth, which is fuzzing over with sugary purple foam.] RYOUGA : Oh no... [Scene of Ryouga, running through Nerima as fast as he possibly can, Nabiki slumped piggy back on his shoulders.] RYOUGA : I can't get lost... I can't get lost... Akane-san will hate me forever if she finds out what's happened! Nabiki might die! Nabiki-san... ARRGGHHH!!! IF ANY GODS ARE SMILING DOWN ON ME TONIGHT, HELP ME FIND DR. TOFU's!!!! [Skuld peeks down from her cloud, shrugs, and tosses Ryouga a Never-Fail Compass. He glances at it, confused, but follows it anyway.] [Inside, DOCTOR TOFU is poking at a delicate soup he's making on his lab's bunsen burner. It's late at night, he's a single guy, he's making ends meet foodwise with a little macaroni, cheese, ramen, Baco Bits, you name it. He dips a spoon in to taste it...] [Ryouga kicks in the door, and Tofu jerks his hand in surprise, spilling hot soup on it.] TOFU : YEEEEEEOWW!! RYOUGA : Doctor! Doctor! Help! [Tofu regains his composure, waves his hand around to air it out, and turns to face Ryouga. He blinks at Nabiki, who is clearly unconscious and on Ryouga's shoulders.] RYOUGA : She... she... I think she drank too much soda... TOFU : Oh, my. Alright. Get her on the bed and I'll examine her. [Ryouga gently hefts Nabiki onto a patient bed, and Tofu, clutching his now-swelling hand, gives Nabiki a visual once over.] TOFU : Hmmm. She's been using the hard stuff. If those aren't stains from 100% pure uncut Jolt, I'll sell my degree. RYOUGA : Do something! We've got to do something! It's a disaster! TOFU : I can keep her here overnight, observe and make sure she's okay while it passes... RYOUGA : ACK! No... if Akane-san found out... TOFU : Or we can wake her up with a pressure point, which will bring her out of this unnatural sleep. RYOUGA : Pressure point. Pressure point sounds good. Let's go with that. TOFU : Okay. The point is on her right breast, three inches down from the base. [There is a long pause.] RYOUGA : Well? TOFU : Well what? RYOUGA : Well, go ahead and poke it! TOFU : I would, but my hands seem to be in no condition for that... [holds up a few swollen, burned digits] You'll have to do it. RYOUGA : M-Me? But it's... TOFU : Glad she's asleep and won't see this happen... [Tofu takes a breath to calm himself and regain his professional composure, and pulls Nabiki's dress away from her right breast a bit. Ryouga's nose geysers red instantly.] RYOUGA : Nnnnhnhhhggg! TOFU : [passes Ryouga a hanky] I'll draw the spot with a marker, but YOU have to poke it. I can't. Ryouga, it's the only way to get her out of here tonight... RYOUGA : [holding the hanky to his nose, as Tofu draws the mark] Okbab... ughb... Akanbe-sabn, I'bm sorryb Ib gobba toub yur sisber thisb wayb... TOFU : There. Now, poke with forceful pressure to hit the nerve, but don't damage anything. [Ryouga pulls his hand back and extends one finger, trying to keep his eyes away from the target while hitting it... he pokes down--] [Nabiki flips out and scrambles away, screaming like a banshee. Tofu falls over in his chair, as does Ryouga in a two person face fault. Nabiki blinks, and recovers herself.] NABIKI : What happened? [Both boys are too stunned to reply, in Little Takahashi Devil Pose #41.] [Fade to a scene of Ryouga helping a worn out, tired Nabiki back to the steps of her family's dojo. She looks like she hasn't slept in a year; hardly the polished figure of socialite womanhood she was earlier.] NABIKI : Don't worry... Akane and Happousai won't hear about this. RYOUGA : Good. No need to panic anybody. And you go to sleep, okay? No more staying up. And DEFINITELY no soda before bedtime, young lady. NABIKI : [smiles] Arigatou, Ryouga-kun. Ugh. Bummer of a first date, though, huh? RYOUGA : Yeah. NABIKI : It'll go better next time, I promise. RYOUGA : Yeah. [not realizing what that statement implies... or maybe realizing it and not panicking...] NABIKI : So, this is... good night. RYOUGA : Good night, yeah. [Nabiki nods.] [Uncomfortable silence ensues. Eventually Ryouga breaks the deadlock by walking away. Nabiki slumps into her house. Fade out.] * [Scene fades into a typical Japanese home. A superdeformed Ranma is sitting on the ground, watching Speed Racer on the family's black and white TV...] NODOKA (Voiceover) : Raaanma-kun! Look what your mother bought you! RANMA : Hmmh? [NODOKA SAOTOME walks into frame, holding up a red chinese shirt, with yellow wooden ties down the front.] NODOKA : It's a little big, but you'll grow into it. I want you to wear this when you and your father go off on this... this... long training trip... RANMA : It's okay, mommy! I'll be back eventually! NODOKA : Hai... you will. This shirt's durable, it'll last through the years... I had to practically fight my way through the marketplace to get it. They're very much in fashion with the young boys these days. Promise your mother you'll keep it forever and ever? RANMA : Okay! [Crossfade to Ranma, now older, sleeping under a tree at Furinkan. He isn't wearing the red shirt his mother gave him, because it's too cold; he has a slightly thicker grey pullover on.] DAISUKE : [Running up the hill] Ranma! Ranma! Kunou's here! RANMA : Hrmpmh? DAISUKE : Well, you said to wake you up before the fight... RANMA : [pulls himself to his feet] Alright. Let's go. [Title card : THE LUCKY SHIRT] ANNOUNCER (voiceover) : Wow, that's the fastest fight we've seen to date here at Furinkan. [Ranma scrambles out of the school, running wildly. He does not look like he's broken a sweat over the fight; more like broken a sweat over getting AWAY from the fight.] ANNOUNCER (voiceover) : Ranma Saotome takes down the Blue Thunder of Furinkan high in less than two point one seconds! Truly a new record. Did he know that Kunou was out like a light when he left? ANNOUNCER #2 (voiceover): No, I don't think so. ANNOUNCER (voiceover) : How do you think this'll affect the local world of martial arts? [Ranma hops onto a bicycle, and mouths the word - go. It takes off like a bullet train.] ANNOUNCER #2 (voiceover): Not sure. I just hope nobody was betting on Kunou... [Meanwhile, back in the Kendo Club, TATEWAKI KUNOU is in Little Takahashi Devil Pose #98, with a wet cloth on his forehead. HAPPOUSAI is looking down at his body, frowning. Mousse is on hand.] MOUSSE : I can't believe he took your money, defied you and ran. That coward! He should pay! HAPPO. : I like your method of thinking, boy. He WILL pay. If my heir runs off to Seattle, I want someone there to pop out of his cappuchino and kick his head in. If he heads off to London, I want someone in one of those big furry hats on hand to jab him one in the keister with a bayonet. If he goes to Russia-- MOUSSE : This is starting to sound like a job for Ryouga. HAPPO. : Nobody breaks his word on me and gets away with it. Nobody. [Meanwhile, SHAMPOO is racing in and around the trees behind Furinkan like a speeder bike in Jedi. Ranma hangs onto the back, but not onto her, until the ride comes to a full and complete stop.] SHAMPOO : We here! RANMA : [sighs] Phew. Thanks, Shampoo. I needed a fast getaway. SHAMPOO : You do great, ai len! Big bad Kunou was practically lunchmeat when you finish with him. RANMA : I hope he's not seriously hurt. I just wanted to get it over with quick, not kill him. Although the boy does deserve a few solid whacks... SHAMPOO : I stay with ai len and keep him safe if Happousai's baka friends come! RANMA : Uh, whoa... um... ^_^; Hey, I'm strong! I can handle it. You've got a shop to run, anyway. SHAMPOO : True. I go home! Gambatta ne, ai len! [Shampoo gives Ranma a huggle attack, and sprints off on her bike. Ranma finally exhales.] RANMA : Can't have her knowing who's out here... [AKANE TENDO pokes through the trees.] AKANE : You're back already? That was fast. RANMA : I had, uh, assistance. Do you have the camp set up? AKANE : Yeah. I don't see why *I* have to hide out, though. RANMA : This is Happousai. You never know what he might do, including kidnapping you as bait to get me back for revenge. AKANE : Hrm. Good point. I packed your stuff, like you asked. I hope we don't have to hide out too long, though. RANMA : [nods, rummaging through the bag] Don't worry, he'll get bored and leave me alone after awhile. Alright, comb, toothbrush, instant ramen... where's the instant ramen? AKANE : I figured I'd just cook for us, instead of relying on packaged food. It's healthier that way. RANMA : [groaning] You're working for him, aren't you? Trying to kill me with your food? AKANE : Grrr... baka no! Here I am trying to do you a favor, and you-- RANMA : Akane, where's my shirt? AKANE : You're wearing it. Honestly, you just can't appreciate the effort it takes to cook-- RANMA : No, no, I mean my favorite shirt. The one that's red, with yellow ties. My LUCKY shirt. AKANE : Did you ask me to pack it? RANMA : Of course! AKANE : Then I packed it. Keep looking. RANMA : I AM looking, and it ain't here! AKANE : Well, big deal. It's just a shirt. RANMA : It's NOT just a shirt! It's THE shirt! Of all the things I tell you to pack, you forget the ONE thing I didn't want to leave behind! You clumsy TOMBOY! [Akane slaps him one.] RANMA : [blinks] Akane... I... argh. Nevermind. AKANE : [blinks more] Huh? RANMA : I'll just get the shirt. It's important to me, Akane - - my mother gave me that shirt. AKANE : [dawning on her] Oh... but... what if Happy's waiting for you at home? RANMA : Hey, I can handle it. AKANE : Baka! He could have a trap there for you! RANMA : Then I defeat the trap. No big deal. AKANE : Hmph. Whatever. Just don't get mauled. [Ranma wanders off, setting off for the dojo on foot.] RANMA (Voiceover) : Clumsy, stupid, unsexy... the single thing I HAD to get out of there, in case this took awhile, and she forgets it. Baka. [Ranma continues wandering, hugging the darkness, trying not to be noticed.] RANMA (Voiceover) : Of course, *I*'m the one returning to the scene of the crime... which is far stupider... Happy'll be there, or some other guy he's got working for him. Great. Just great. [Ranma slips across the vacant lot next to the dojo, and creeps his way inside.] [The dojo is presumably quite empty. Everybody's either asleep or out for the night... some lights are on, though, which worries Ranma. He tip-toes inside, and creeps up the stairs, looking around every corner, like a space marine with a shotgun expecting an imp at every turn.] [He fails to find any thugs or even demonic nasties, though, and has a fairly uneventful trip up to his room. Edging around the snoring panda, he locates what he came for; his favorite red shirt, hanging on its well-polished hanger in the closet. He folds it up carefully and stores it in a gym bag.] [By now, Ranma has realized that no flaming white-hot death was raining down on him from the sky, and therefore Happousai must not know he's here or not care. All is cool. He drops the stealthy walk, and heads downstairs to get a midnight snack.] [Humming a tune to himself, he loads some Cheese Whiz into the microwave, figuring nachos would be good about now. He's about to grab the chips when he notices something on the counter.] [A red bamboo umbrella.] [Ranma blinks, and picks it up, wondering how it got here since Ryouga wasn't around... and then there is a flushing noise, and Ryouga steps out from around the corner, carrying a copy of FODOR'S GUIDE TO TRAVEL. Ryouga freezes, standing in the doorframe.] [Neither of them moves. Both look at each other, wondering what's going to happen next.] [Then the microwave dings. Ranma snaps, and whips around into a flurry of kicks and umbrella swipes, and Ryouga goes flying backwards into Little Takahashi Devil Pose #19.] [Ranma blinks, realizing what he just managed to do. He sets the umbrella down carefully, and tiptoes out of the house.] [He returns a minute later to get his nachos.] [Scene fade to Ranma, walking down the street, happy as a clam, munching on a small bowl of cheese-laced chips, gym bag slung over a shoulder. He's on top of the world, king of the heap. He's on his way... he's indestructible. Nobody can stop him.] [Then he turns the corner, and is face to... toe, really, with Happousai, heading home from his nightly panty raid.] [The two freeze, very similar to before.] HAPPO. : YOoooooouuu... [Ranma wastes no time, and kicks Happy into the sky, horfs down the rest of his nachos, tosses the bowl aside and runs like hell.] [Happy comes down, since gravity is still in effect in this area, bounces twice and starts limply chasing Ranma.] HAPPO. : GET BACK HERE, boy, and take what's coming to you! You ungrateful little punk! [Ranma races on, past the old lady whose sole job is to throw water out onto the street. Ranma-chan continues along.] [Happy lunges for Ranma-chan, Ranma-chan blocks, and the running melee wanders all over Tokyo. Eventually, Ranma ducks into a greenhouse on someone's property, closing the door behind him and hiding on one side of it.] [SASUKE, who was busy trimming the flowered petals off a bush of thorny roses, blinks.] SASUKE : Pi...Pig-tailed-girl?! [Ranma, mistakenly thinking he can hide behind a glass wall, gets attacked by Happousai, who simply punches through the glass and attacks. The two twist around, tangling, until they end up in a flower patch... and fall asleep, for some reason.] [Sasuke adjusts the SLEEPING POWDER DAISIES sign that was next to this patch, and taptaps his chin.] SASUKE : Now what do I do? [Fade to black, slow. Time passes. Fade in to a shot of Ranma- chan and Happousai... each has been tied to a chair. Happy is sitting on a stack of phonebooks so that he can be in frame AND tied to a chair. A jet of water (cold) splashes in from offscreen, waking both of them.] [Sasuke puts down the fire extinguisher.] SASUKE : Sorry, but nobody is allowed in the Sacred Grove except me or Mistress Kodachi. KODACHI (voiceover) : OHOOHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOO!!!! SASUKE : That's her. [Sasuke leaves up the stairs. Ranma-chan looks around, and sees... many unpleasant ironwrought things hanging on the wall, various torture implements, plenty of gymnastics equipment. They've been stored in Kodachi's combination basement dungeon and workout gymnasium. Ranma-chan and Happy look horrified; neither is too keen on continuing their old fight, both are quite keen on getting the hell out of here.] [KODACHI KUNOU bouncies down the stairs, clad in her school uniform, twirling a ribbon behind her. She leaps dramatically and lands on her toes before the two chairs, ribbon swirling.] KODACHI : OHOHOHOHOHOHOHHOOO! Violating my private greenhouse, were you? If it isn't that wicked little pig-tailed girl and the old letch who keeps terrorizing my school's locker room. What wonderful timing! SASUKE : [wandering down the stairs] The little old one was attacking the girl, Mistress. KODACHI : I noticed the bruises. Well, we can finish the job! It's so nice when my enemies just walk into my hands. Sasuke, bring out the Turtle. SASUKE : I think the Turtle's asleep, Mistress. KODACHI : OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! You'd better wake him up, then! [Sasuke sighs the sigh of the oppressed worker, and wanders into the back room. He opens a cage, grabs a leash and leads Kodachi's pet alligator out into the main room. It seems quite docile; it's used to Sasuke and hasn't nibbled on his limbs in years.] [Kodachi accepts the animal's leash, and pets it a bit, trying to think of an appropriate punishment for these two. Both look terrified.] SASUKE : Who first, Mistress Kodachi? KODACHI : All in good time, dear Sasuke. I hate to do this to a precious flower, but it's such a good way to make decisions... [Kodachi pulls out a red rose, stolen from her brother's collection. She begins plucking petals off, one by one, repeating...] KODACHI : The pig-tailed girl... the old letch... the pig-tailed girl... the old letch... the pig-tailed girl... the old letch... [Ranma-chan bounces, trying to break out of her chair, but it has been nailed to the floor. Happousai starts hoping Kodachi is planning something sexually deviant instead of your basic pounding.] KODACHI : The old letch... the pig-tailed girl... the old letch... the pig-tailed girl................... the old letch the pigtailed girl the old letch. [Happousai, denial entering his mind like an obnoxious salesmen, mmpphhs overjoyedlike into his gag.] [Sasuke nods, and drags Happy's chair into the back room. Kodachi laughs evilly, ties the alligator's leash to the wall, hops in after and shuts the door. She opens it to free her ribbon, which got caught, then closes it again. Sickly music box music starts up, as well as a 24-hour Kodachi Laugh-a-Thon and plenty of Happy Screams.] [By this time, Ranma-chan isn't even considering waiting around to see what happens. She pulls and pulls, and snaps free of the rope, the chair crumbling. The alligator panics, and starts growling in a warning manner, until Ranma-chan ties the rope that bound her around the 'gator's snout. Ranma-chan flees.] [But something stops her.] [Maybe it was the wild, insane screaming. Maybe it was the wild, insane laughter. Maybe she just couldn't stand to see a human go through this, even if Happy was dubiously human. Maybe she couldn't back down from a potential fight.] [Either way, something had to be done.] [Ranma-chan starts examining the racks of weapons. She grabs a few items which might be helpful, like a length of rope, a set of keys, a flask of oil. As for a weapon, she selects a gymnastics club, and heads to the door... then reconsiders. Instead, she picks a razor sharp ribbon, but that would be too risky; she weighs the merits of a few throwing knives, a wicked looking katana with holy sigils in the hilt, a large crossbow that looks more like a cross, a salad shooter, and finally her eyes rest on the mother of all weapons... a large, heavy wooden mallet, with a tiny tag reading 'STOLEN FROM THE CLOSET OF AKANE TENDO'.] [Ranma-chan takes the mallet in hand, making a few test swings, locking down its balance in her mind. She holds it in front of her, like a shield, and nudges the door open with her foot.] [Sasuke is on hand, guarding the door in a very poor manner (his back is to it). Off in an area of the room Ranma-chan can't see, Kodachi is laughing, Happy is yelling his bald little head off.] [Ranma-chan swings the mallet back. Sasuke only has enough time to panic before it comes down in a crushing blow, nailing him six inches into the floor. Ranma-chan executes a follow through swing to Sasuke's face, and he wobbles like a punching bag before fainting.] RANMA : HAPPOSAI! You okay?! [Finally, we can see the other part of the room... where the screaming has stopped, and Happousai and Kodachi are in a rough bed together, covers up, smoking a pipe and cigarette respectively.] HAPPO. : Oh, I'm quite okay, boy, thank you. KODACHI : You were magnificent, Happousai-sama. Mmmmm. HAPPO. : Ahh, it's been years since anybody's done that particular medieval maneuver! And such flexibility! I miss my glory days. [Ranma-chan falls over. Hard.] HAPPO. : Eh? Whassa matter, boy? RANMA : You... you and she... she and you... YOU!?!? HAPPO. : Hey, am I not human, with human urges? RANMA : [turning green at the mental image] I may be violently sick. HAPPO. : Hey, kid. Whaddya say we call it even? Why, without you, I'd never have met my dear 'Dachi-chan here. Of course, I'd recommend not showing your face around town for awhile, so it looks like I really did something. So, hey, keep the cash, have a fun time. I know I have! KODACHI : Thank you, sir, may I have another? HAPPO : Certainly! I'll get the pair of pliers and the blowtorch... [Ranma-chan runs out of the room, gasping for air, praying that she's just been in a nightmare. Of course, things could have been worse : she might have shown up to rescue him while they were still active...] [Ranma-chan stumbles out of the greenhouse above, and finds a black bicycle with rose trim. She blinks, and remembers the keys in her pocket that she found; she unlocks the bike, hops on, and rides away.] [Fade back to the makeshift camp, where Akane is waiting.] AKANE : There you are. Did you get your lousy shirt? RANMA : No time to explain. Hop on the handlebars. AKANE : Where'd you get this bike? RANMA : It doesn't matter! We gotta go NOW. I am so utterly creeped out that I feel the need to pedal far, far from here, and FAST. AKANE : What about Happousai? RANMA : Happy's... occupied, Akane. Quite occupied. [With that, Akane hops on the handlebars, and Ranma-chan pedals like the wind, the eerie strains of 'The Twilight Zone' floating in the wind with them...] * [Title Card : THE UCCHAN SITUATION] [Scene... DAISUKE, sitting in a bathroom. He's sweating profusely, and quite panicked. He's also fingering something... which looks like a small ring...] MOUSSE (Voiceover) : Have you ever read 'The Book of Chinese Amazon Law', Hikaru? It's a great read, if you know the language. Let me translate a quick passage for you, Conditioner 25:17... "The path of the strong Amazon is blocked on all sides by those weaker, hoping to destroy your virtue, spirit and body..." [Daisuke wipes the sweat off his forehead, and tries to figure out what to do. He slips the ring on...] MOUSSE (Voiceover) : "Blessed is the Amazon that can overcome these adversaries for others who cannot, and we shall strike down with no mercy upon those who would attack those who cannot attack back... and you will KNOW we are Amazons, when we lay our vengeance upon thee..." GOSUN. (Voiceover) : AAAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHH!!! [Daisuke covers his ears, as the two boys have at Gosunkugi in a highly painful way... ending with a thud, indicating Gos was on the floor and out for the count. Daisuke gets ready...] RYOUGA (Voiceover) : A watermelon? MOUSSE (Voiceover) : Sorry. I ran out of one-liners. [With that, Daisuke kicks the door open, and points the ring on his finger at the two teenaged thugs.] DAISUKE : SHINE SHINE SHIIIINEEEE! [Six small tongues of fire leap off the ring, as if by magic (which it was). Ryouga and Mousse freeze, as the bolts of flame reach them...] [Nothing happens.] DAISUKE : [blinks] But... [Ryouga and Mousse come down on Daisuke like the descent of man. Daisuke goes down easily. Ryouga disarms him by pulling the ring off his finger, while Mousse examines the still somewhat flaming round holes in the wall behind them.] MOUSSE : What on earth... RYOUGA : I think it's one of the magical rings in Happy's bundle of goodies. I guess Hikaru cracked it open and re- bundled it earlier... MOUSSE : I don't believe it... look at the size of these holes! RYOUGA : Yeah. Man, we're lucky. MOUSSE : Lucky? LUCKY? We should be DEAD right now! RYOUGA : Good thing we aren't, then. Can we get this bundle to Happy now, before anything else explodes? MOUSSE : Whoa, wait. Say it. SAY this was a miracle. RYOUGA : 'scuze? MOUSSE : Look, back in the village of the Amazons, we know a miracle when we see one. Hell, my mom claims that my continued survival without walking into whirling, unshielded manufacturing equipment is a miracle. And Ryouga, this IS a miracle. RYOUGA : Uh-huh. Right. MOUSSE : This was a miracle, and I want you to acknowledge it!! RYOUGA : Eeesh! Okay, okay, it was a miracle. Can we go now? [Scene cuts to the two walking down the street. Mousse has the bundled package they retrieved from Gosunkugi on his back.] RYOUGA : ...look, these things happen. You ever see America's Funniest Home Videos? MOUSSE : You're the one who went stateside, not me. RYOUGA : Well, I saw this one where someone was cooking at a grill, and the cap came off the lighter fluid bottle while he was pouring it in. Whoosh, a fireball that rivals some of my better Shishi's. Guy didn't get so much as singed and he was standing right over it. MOUSSE : Probably was a miracle. RYOUGA : Would you get OFF the miracle kick already?! It's getting on my nerves. MOUSSE : Alright, alright. But I do know one thing; that's it. I'm not doing favors for the old letch anymore. RYOUGA : [laughs] Wow, that'll go over well with him. MOUSSE : I mean it, Ryouga. That's the end. I don't NEED his help to win Shampoo's heart; if today taught me anything, it's that I'm blessed. Maybe even blessed to win her love. RYOUGA : You're nuts. They have a word for people like you, and I'll give you a hint; it starts with N. MOUSSE : Nuts I may be, but at least I feel right about this. If I'm making a mistake, oh well. It's the initial thought that counts. Hey, you want to eat here for breakfast? [The boys pause, outside a restaurant labelled UCCHAN'S.] RYOUGA : I'm not sure it's open... it's still pretty early. MOUSSE : Ukyou's inside, cleaning up. HEY, UKYOU! You open? UKYOU (Voiceover) : You're talking to my curtains, Mousse. MOUSSE : Eh? [lowers glasses; viewpoint focuses slowly on UKYOU KUONJI.] Oh. Well, um, are you open? UKYOU : Not yet, getting ready for the day crowd. But hey, come on in, you can have first order. MOUSSE : Arigato. [The two boys head inside, and take a booth seat. Ryouga sets the bundle down on the table between them.] RYOUGA : Well, you think whatever you want. Either way, I'm glad we're still alive. MOUSSE : Yeah. You'd be a hot dog right now if they got away with it. RYOUGA : [grumbles...] Look. Mousse. Just because you found out about my curse by accident last week does not entitle you to speak about it so freely. Shut it. MOUSSE : It's TRUE, Ryouga. You'd be crispy pork rinds right now if not for Kami's intervention. RYOUGA : Mousse... [growling] MOUSSE : Sunny side up bacon and eggs, we'd be. RYOUGA : I SAID, shut up! [Ukyou shrugs at the boys, and continues to tidy up. The restaurant looks nice and clean, ready for business.] MOUSSE : Ham sandwich with charred bread, roasted alive by that stupid kid... RYOUGA : [starting to glow yellow, faintly] SHUT UP! MOUSSE : NOT until you recognize this miracle, porky! RYOUGA : I... will... NOT... TAKE THIS! AHRHHGHHHH!!! SHISHIHOKODAN!!!! [Mousse realizes he MAAAY have pushed it too far, and hops out of the way. Ryouga's ki blast is absorbed by Happousai's fabric- bundled sack...] RYOUGA : Erk... [In a BLINDING WHITE FLASH OF LIGHT, the sack implodes, and explodes, sending white hot unidentifiable things in all directions like a star in supernova. There are a number of unusual wet SPLUTs.] MOUSSE : You moron, now I can't see anything! RYOUGA : You were blind before too, BAKA! UKYOU : WHAT did you boys do?!!? [Their eyes clear... to view a restaurant, slightly different. First of all, there's the underwear. Hundreds and hundreds of panties and bras, supercompressed into the bag's space, have escaped; and are stuck to the walls, the table, the chairs, Ukyou, Ryouga, and Mousse.] UKYOU : AAUUUUGUGHHHH!! What was IN that bag?! MOUSSE : A few magical artifacts... some Happodaikarins... some... uh, Industrial Strength Crazy Glue... and, of course, lots of underwear. RYOUGA : We were supposed to be delivering it to him... oops. UKYOU : OOPS? OOPS?! My restaurant looks like Victoria's Secret dipped in tar and you go OOPS?!!? RYOUGA : Eh heh heh... umm. Ooops. UKYOU : [stomping up to Ryouga, looking like a rather enraged chef wearing five panties too many] You won't be going 'oops' when I serve up your tongue on an okonomiyaki! MOUSSE : Whoa. Let's keep our heads and be civil, okay? UKYOU : Civil?! I have to open in an hour and half! If all this stuff is still on the walls by then, I may have to consider seppuku! RYOUGA : Ukyou-san, no! UKYOU : I didn't say *I* would be doing it. [Mousse and Ryouga gulp.] MOUSSE : Umm... okay. Clean it up in an hour and a half. Fine. Consider it done. RYOUGA : Nani?! MOUSSE : [grinning] I have a plan. [Cut to Mousse on the phone.] MOUSSE : We NEED a plan! [Cut to Happousai, talking on the dojo's phone, while Kasumi prepares breakfast. Cuts are interchanged as they talk.] HAPPO. : Hmmm. Bit of a 'sticky' situation! Ha ha! MOUSSE : Ha ha, yes, funny, sensei. Look, we need assistance here. And any help you could offer would be, umm... very helpful. HAPPO. : Welllll, you boys DID destroy the package you were supposed to be delivering to me... that's not good. Maybe I should just let you stew awhile... MOUSSE : Uhhh... if... how about if Ryouga volunteers a favor for free? No charge! HAPPO. : Wow. He'd do that? MOUSSE : Sure! I'll tell him later that he did. Now, please, say you'll send someone! HAPPO. : You'll send someone. MOUSSE : I mean YOU! HAPPO. : [laughs] Mousse-kun. Please, try to remain calm. I'll send the Crone around right away. MOUSSE : [blinks, looks relieved] The Crone? Alright! Thank you, sensei. That's all you had to say. [Cut to a scene of a ramen restaurant... Shampoo is dashing around taking orders in the background. We can see a withered hand on the phone.] COLOGNE : Yes... yes... what level of hysteria are we talking about? Alright. Yes. Good. Crazy glue? Hmmm... alright. Good. Okay. I'll be there in ten minutes. [Cut to outside Ucchan's. Title overlay reads 9 1/2 MINUTES LATER. A cane pogos against the street, and lands in Ucchan's, standing up... COLOGNE is atop it, looking around.] COLOGNE : This is Ucchan's, yes? That rival restaurant? UKYOU : [noticing Cologne] Whaddya want, you old crone? COLOGNE : [laughs] Calm yourself, child. I'm here to help you. Little favor for Happy-kun. [Ryouga approaches Cologne with some sense of dignity.] RYOUGA : Thanks for coming, obasan... we're in a bit of a-- [Mousse dives forward like he's stealing third, and bows down before Cologne, kissing the ground before her.] MOUSSE : PLEASE, PLEASE, obasan!!! We need you! [Ryouga looks embarrassed; Ukyou just laughs. Cologne smiles.] COLOGNE : Alright. If I recall, we're operating on a bit of a time constraint here. Ukyou, I've brought with me a recipe for glue thinner; I re-tooled it to work with ingredients found in an okonomiyaki restaurant. If you could go into the back and whip up about three liters of it, please? UKYOU : Hai! ^_^ COLOGNE : Mousse, you're on spatula detail. Borrow the large combat spatula from Ukyou when she finishes cooking the thinner, douse the edge up to a single inch of the metal and start scraping. Don't take any wallpaper off with it or we'll have to worry about repainting. MOUSSE : HAI! COLOGNE : Ryouga, you're on broom detail. There's lots of torn fabric that wasn't glued down; sweep it up into a plastic bag and we'll take it with us later, so no nosy customers see panties in the trash receptacles. Now, everybody get to work. RYOUGA : [muttering to himself] A 'please' would be nice... COLOGNE : [pauses in mid pogo] Hmmm? RYOUGA : Well, just saying that a little politeness would-- COLOGNE : Boy, I'm here for one reason and one reason only, and that's to get this mess safely out of here before Ukyou is forced to do something unpleasant to you for ruining her business. Now. If you have any martial artist's respect for life, then you'll respect your own and get to work. So, pretty please. With okonomiyaki sauce on top. Clean the restaurant. [Time passes. Ukyou continues to cook up glue solvent, while Ryouga does the light work of cleaning up anything not glued down. Mousse is seething with anger, and attacking the glued-up panties with the large spatula.] RYOUGA : I can't believe we're in this mess. MOUSSE : I'm not the one who blew my top and pasted the place with panties! I'm never gonna forgive you for that, Ryouga Hibiki. This is the most disgusting work I've ever done, and that includes the time Shampoo made me clean the oven grease out with my tongue. RYOUGA : If YOU hadn't been ranting and babbling about that Chinese nonsense, we wouldn't be IN this mess! MOUSSE : It's YOUR trigger happy self that caused Panty Armageddon! RYOUGA : [pauses] Mousse, shut up. Now. I've got a certain level of anger I can get to before I have to do some damage, and you're reaching it, pal. MOUSSE : You're angry? YOU'RE angry? I'm the one who's dealing with sticky silkies! Jeez, you're the one who should be up here scraping 'em off, not me! [Eventually, the restaurant is cleaned up, and the few remaining glue stains have been scrubbed to the point of nonexistence. All that remains are...] COLOGNE : Okay, strip. RYOUGA : N...NANI? COLOGNE : If I recall, all three of you are covered in underwear, right? Well, we don't have enough thinner left to clean you and your clothes. So strip and we'll get your bodies panty-free and get you a change of clothes. UKYOU : If you don't mind, I'll just go change and clean off the underwear from my skin myself. In the bathroom. [Ukyou wanders off, leaving the boys alone with Cologne.] [Ryouga and Mousse check to make sure nobody can see into this part of the kitchen from the street, then grumble as they take off all outer layers of clothing. They stand, rather embarrassed, in underwear alone.] MOUSSE : What about all my weapons? COLOGNE : I'll take them back to Nekohanten with me. Now hold still. [Cologne leaps up, and splashes a bucket of the thinner over them, which is fortunately warm. The panties slip right off. She passes them towels, and they mop up.] [Ukyou wanders downstairs, dressed in a different, panty-free outfit. She whistles.] UKYOU : WHOOOO! Chippendales revue! RYOUGA : GAHCK! [scrunches up] CLOTHES! CLOTHES! [Ukyou tosses them a few suits from her transvestite collection... somewhat feminine, but strangely androgynous. Ryouga frowns at the tights, but puts them on anyway.] COLOGNE : I like the new look. It's very Euro. Well, looks like that'll do it. The place, and you, are now underwear free. I'll bring the trash back to my place to be burned. Ukyou, you owe Shampoo a free okonomiyaki dinner for this. UKYOU : [resignedly] Hai. COLOGNE : Pleasure working with you, boys! Call again soon! [With that, Cologne pogos out and away. Ryouga and Mousse sigh, the fighting urge beaten out of them by hard labor.] MOUSSE : I'm glad that's over. RYOUGA : Ditto. Hmmm. Ukyou-san, can we still eat here? I'm starving. UKYOU : WELL... you two DID cause the mess... but you fixed it. So, okay. Have a seat and I'll open the restaurant. * [Later. The restaurant has filled up a bit; the morning crowd is in, getting nourished. Ryouga and Mousse have taken a booth in the corner, hoping not to be seen, since their clothes are very avant garde and they're still suffering secondary embarrassment. Ukyou walks up to take their order.] RYOUGA : No pork. MOUSSE : No eggs. UKYOU : That rules out most of my breakfast okonomiyakis, guys. RYOUGA : Two plains, then. [Ukyou nods, and leaves to cook up their order.] MOUSSE : Tell me why we do it, Ryouga. RYOUGA : Do what? MOUSSE : Work for the old letch. Do his dirty work. RYOUGA : Because he promised to help out our love lives, that's why. You know the drill. You know what the stuff in that bundle could have done, if I didn't fry it. Lots of cool magical goods. MOUSSE : But if he has all that power, why not just help us? RYOUGA : The man doesn't work that way. He's very capitalistic, just ask Nabiki. MOUSSE : [sighs] No. I'm sick of putting up with waiting for him to help us. I feel like a goon in a cheap gangster movie. RYOUGA : So you really are leaving the force-of-sorts over a miracle, huh? MOUSSE : Whether it was a true miracle or not, it kicked me off thinking about why I do this. That's a miracle in itself. As of today, I fold. Out of the game. RYOUGA : He won't be happy... MOUSSE : He'll have to accept it. You coming too? RYOUGA : Who, me? No... I'm going to ride it out for a week or two more, see if he delivers. Then, maybe. MOUSSE : I can do some personal research and try to get us some chinese mystic agent that does the same thing. It would beat paying Happy in service. RYOUGA : Good. You do that. Me, I'm headed to the bathroom. [Ryouga gets up, and heads out. Ukyou returns with the okonomiyaki, and Mousse pokes at his, too introspective to really eat. His thoughts are quiet, and inwardly aimed; he's in no mood to deal with interruptions.] MIKADO : [hops up onto his seat] Alright, everybody be cool, this is a challenge! AZUSA : Any martial artists in here try to make a break for it without facing us, and I'll get really unhappy!!! [Mousse groans. Murphy's law in action.] [The patrons stare oddly at Mikado and Azusa, who they know are fighters; several of them pelt the pair with wallets, mistaking this for a heist. Azusa names several. Mikado wanders around, looking for strong guys.] MIKADO : You! Are you a martial artist? INNOCENT BYSTANDER : Uh... no? AZUSA : Wow, kawaii Martine has so many little plastic cards in her! [Mikado works his way around the room, eventually coming up to the kitchen.] MIKADO : Hey, waitress! Are you a martial artist? [Ukyou glares back at him with a stare that could melt lead.] UKYOU : Yes. And you're bugging my customers. MIKADO : Alright! The Golden Pair, king and queen of the ice, hereby challenge-- MOUSSE : Ahem. MIKADO : [turns to face Mousse] Hai? MOUSSE : Leave the girl alone. I'm a martial artist too. [Mikado grins, and stupidly steps up to face Mousse and try intimidation. This doesn't work, since one of the few weapons Mousse salvaged from his old suit is now at Mikado's throat; a wicked looking thing with six curved blades.] AZUSA : SAN-CHAN! You let go of San-chan right now, you meanie!!! MOUSSE : Whoa, whoa. Everybody calm down. Pretty Boy Floyd here and I are just going to have a talk. That's all. MIKADO : [sweating] Uh... hai. Stay back, Azusa. It's cool. MOUSSE : Now, I'd suggest you have a seat. Go on. Slowly. [Mikado slowly sits down at the booth, the long... sword? Mousse is holding out casually still aimed at his throat. He swallows hard.] AZUSA : If you hurt him, you meanie, I'll hurt you! MOUSSE : I'm aware of that. I don't think anybody here feels like going to the laceration ward. So, we're all going to be cool, and talk. Okay? MIKADO : H... Hai... [Azusa bites her lip, but does nothing.] MOUSSE : Good. Glad to hear it. Now, any other day, I'd be happy to challenge you, give you the righteous beating you deserve for messing with Ukyou-san's business and send you on your way. You're fortunate to catch me in an introspective moment. RYOUGA (Voiceover) : Mousse, what the hell is going on!? [Mousse's head spins (but not his arm) to see Ryouga with his umbrella drawn, ready to strike at Azusa.] AZUSA : KYAAAAA!!! MOUSSE : Ryouga, stay back! The situation is in hand. Nobody hits anybody. Got it? RYOUGA : What's going on, Mousse? MOUSSE : Everything is in hand, like I said. Now. Mikado, isn't it? MIKADO : Yeah... MOUSSE : Good. Mikado, let me explain why you're going to walk out of here without a scratch. Have you ever read the... well, no, nobody in Japan has. But if you ever get a chance to read 'The Book of Chinese Amazon Law', check out a particular passage... Conditioner 25:17. "The path of the strong Amazon is blocked on all sides by those weaker, hoping to destroy your virtue, spirit and body. Blessed is the Amazon that can overcome these adversaries for others who cannot, and we shall strike down with no mercy upon those who would attack those who cannot attack back... and you will KNOW we are Amazons, when we lay our vengeance upon thee." [Mikado considers nodding, but decides against it.] MOUSSE : Now, I figured this was just a really neat thing to say to your opponent before you trash them, to be nice and dramatic. But lately, I've been wondering what that means. It COULD mean I'm the strong Amazon, and you're the weaker ones, trying to stop me from achieving my life's goals. Which would mean you'd be hamburger meat right now. Or, it could mean that I'm the strong Amazon, and you're the virtue, the spirit and the body... and... um... RYOUGA : Is there a point to this metaphor, Mousse? MOUSSE : I am GETTING to that, Ryouga. My point is that right now, I don't think beating the tar out of you is going to improve my life any right now. I'm trying, Mikado. I'm trying to do the right thing. Now, you and your partner here, get moving. S'cool. Just go. [Mikado, without a word, slips out of the booth. Azusa, too terrified to do anything more than follow, follows. The two leave the restaurant, and the gazes of the stunned crowd follow.] [Mousse takes another bite of his okonomiyaki, and frowns in distaste. It's cold. Ryouga holsters his umbrella.] RYOUGA : I think we'd better get going. MOUSSE : Hai. [With that, two bad dudes, clad in somewhat fancy outfits, still hungry, headed out without saying a word.] THE END Gaithersburg, MD Jan. 3rd, 1995